A “conscious relationship,” or an “evolutionary relationship,” means to recognize that we innocently carry inherited habits from what we saw in our family of origin and what we see in the culture. These may include criticism, contempt, blame, stonewalling and pulling away, or lying and dishonesty. We have all somewhat normalized these habits, which often then creates relationships which are not satisfying or fulfilling, and sometimes, at its most extreme, can be toxic.
A conscious relationship means first to face and accept that “I have these habits, I was conditioned to have these habits,” and then to understand that a healthy relationship thrives on a different set of habits.
These may include:
APPRECIATION
This means focusing on the positive qualities you appreciate about your partner, and the things they do that you’re grateful for, more than the things which bother you: ideally in a ratio of five appreciations to one request or complaint.
RESPONSIBILITY
“ I am — at least partially — responsible for creating my experience of relationship”
COMMITMENT
This means to be “all in,” not necessarily, “all in for you forever, no matter what,” but all in for love, for showing up as the most loving version of myself.
AUTHENTICITY
This doesn’t only mean being honest about what I did last Wednesday at 6:00pm, but could include being transparent about my internal experience, somatically and emotionally.
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When we learn these new ways of relating, and when they become natural to our nervous system and to our habitual way of responding, then healthy, nourishing, alive, sexual, creative relationships are the result.
Making a commitment with your partner to approach relationship in this way is a big work, which takes courage and clear intention. It can take a lot of discipline to turn these habits around, but it also is one of the most transformative and fulfilling things you could ever do. Then there are no limits to the depths of ecstasy and connected intimacy that we can experience, when we set our intention on this together, and it will overflow into the rest of your life.
