There is a myth so common in the popular culture that it has now come to appear indistinguishable from proven scientific fact. It goes along the lines of:
Sex is amazing at the beginning, but then it dwindles and becomes almost non-existent after a while, particularly after marriage or moving in together.
This message gets reinforced all day long. Here’s a random example from Platonic, a show on Apple TV, with Seth Rogen (as Will) and Rose Bryan (as Sylvia). The two main characters have been friends since college, and they’re now trying to maintain a platonic relationship. In season 2 episode 3, The Bachelor Party, they reunite with their old college friend (played by Beck Bennett of SNL fame) who went by the nickname ‘Wildcard’ in college, perhaps for good reasons back then. But now they are all into their 40s, and things have changed. When Sylvia goes to the bathroom, Will and Wildcard each disclose they haven’t had sex with their wives in a long time. Here are a few lines from that scene.
“Okay, fine. Me and Janet don’t have sex. Are you happy? I just want you to tell me this is normal. That’s all I want to hear from you…”
“It’s completely normal to have little to no sex with your partner…I already told you that, man, no married couple our age has sex…”
“You don’t have sex either…?”
“I mean, not that much. We had more when we first got together. Since then, it kind of tapered off… Now it’s kind of just like birthdays, but I’ve only had one birthday since we’ve been together, so one birthday. We have plenty of other great things we do together. We do the crossword puzzle beside one another. I watch her play golf…”
This was the fourth most-watched show on the platform, and the top-rated episode. It’s not an isolated example. This message is hypnotically repeated over and over in the mainstream culture: ‘marriage and cohabitation kills sex. It’s N.O.R.M.A.L.’ It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You’ll find this reinforced over and over again in TV shows, movies, podcasts, self-help books, and magazines at the checkout stand. Even couples’ therapists, sex therapists, sexologists, and academics join the chorus. Look!! There’s research. Lots of it. Sex declines after the initial rush.
Just before we slam the book shut and announce case closed, here’s the caveat.
Most of the research on sexuality is devoted to sexual dysfunction: premature ejaculation, impotence, anorgasmia, etc. The research on optimal sex is virtually non-existent. The most notable exception, which happens to be my very, very favorite book on sex ever written, anytime, anywhere, is Magnificent Sex by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Menard. They interviewed sixty-four individuals who self-identified as consistently experiencing great sex, as well as twenty sex therapists. To some degree, Emily Nagoski undertakes the same kind of inquiry in her excellent books, Come as You Are and Come Together.
The interesting thing is that almost all the couples in Kleinplatz’s research who report on unimprovably great sex have been together for decades. Some of the survey respondents were even in their 70s or 80s and had been having sex regularly for 50 years!
When we review this and the other cutting-edge research – not on average or normal sex, but unusually great sex – we discover that the best sex a person can remember generally doesn’t happen at the beginning of a relationship, but after years or decades.
After diving into this topic pretty deeply now, reviewing all the available research and observing couples I work with in teaching Taoist sexual practices, I’ve come to conclude that sex at the beginning of a relationship is by no means always ‘better’ than sex later on, but fundamentally different.
The best authority on this is Dr. Stan Tatkin, who has the unusual distinction of being both a psychotherapist and a neurologist. Not too many people can claim that double whammy. Tatkin points out that in the early stage of a relationship, the brain is producing large amounts of dopamine, and to some degree, norepinephrine: neurotransmitters associated with novelty, excitement, and even danger. This is what makes sex at the beginning ‘hot.’ It’s unfamiliar, maybe even a little scary. What if this tall dark stranger, or the mysterious woman in the red dress, turns out to be married, or a psychopath? This particular mixture of brain chemicals will often generate tension, particularly in the lower belly, creating the kind of clenching down often associated with powerful orgasmic release. We find the most extreme iteration of this in Emily Nagoski’s Come as You Are, where she reflects that some women who experienced violent rape report that as well as overwhelming fear and trauma, they also experienced an orgasm. That doesn’t mean by any means make rape ‘great sex.’ It just reinforces the point that when the brain is running high on those kinds of brain chemicals, it can be associated with high states of arousal.
Most couples discover once they have been together for a few months, maybe moved in together, gotten married and had kids, their partner becomes familiar and safe. They experience trust. The brain chemicals associated with novelty and danger are no longer firing; instead, the brain will shift to releasing serotonin into the synapses, sometimes associated with more expansive states of consciousness; oxytocin, associated with feelings of trust and safety, sometimes called the cuddle hormone; and even GABA, associated with relaxing and letting go. None of this will be conducive to the ‘hot’ sex we had at the beginning. If we reorient our expectations and beliefs about what’s ‘normal,’ this new cocktail of neurotransmitters can generate the kind of unimaginably great sex that Kleinplatz’s interview subjects refer to in decades-long relationships.
In order for this different kind of sexuality to become available to couples, it is important to first take care of the basic health of the relationship. I go into that in more depth in my new book, and in other articles I’ve published recently.
For example, it means
- Clearing up secrecy and withholding, and getting in the habit of practicing radical, vulnerable authenticity.
- Replacing habits of criticism and even contempt with appreciation and gratitude.
- Learning to lean in with curiosity when your partner has something to share with you, instead of cutting off or stonewalling.
- Being willing to take responsibility for your side of any misunderstanding or conflict and so reducing blame.
Sometimes we think of shifting those habits as a psychotherapeutic process, maybe involving releasing trauma from early childhood. For sure, that may be part of the equation. But remember, the health of a relationship has a lot more to do with what you say and do than with your deep inner feelings. Again, this relationship between inner feeling states and behavioral change is a subject for another article.
Once we’ve taken care of these basic qualities of relational health and learned how to manage conflict successfully, there is the possibility of exploring a very different kind of sexual intimacy. This is the essence of what I teach in the Tao of Deep Intimacy. In a nutshell, it means that both partners learn to transmute aroused energy from the genitals into the rest of the body. As the arousal builds, instead of clenching down in excitement, which will result in a release of accumulated aroused tension as an orgasm, they slowly learn new habits of deep connected breathing and Taoist practices to circulate the energy up into the rest of the body.
Initially, this means each partner has to get in the habit of a few minutes of practice each day on their own before they start to practice together.
This is how you transform hot sex into making love – for real. The center of the arousal shifts from the genitals to the heart.
The longer you keep circulating energy together, the more your heart opens, so you can look through the eyes of Innocent Love, and see Loving Innocence looking back at you.
There’s a little more to it, but in a nutshell, that’s a brief summary of what Kleinplatz refers to in her book as “Magnificent Sex,” and what Emily Nagoski refers to in her second book as “the Magic Trick.” Your whole body becomes orgasmic instead of just the genitals, and it centers in your heart.
I’ve learned that with the right kind of preparation, absolutely anybody can learn this way of working with energy. It just takes some patience and the willingness to practice a little every day. Then you discover that sex doesn’t need to go downhill with time. It just becomes fundamentally different. The more time goes by, the better it becomes.
