I’m just wrapping up the editing process on my new book, The Tao of Love, Sex and Deep Intimacy. The second half of the book refers to how we can transmit sexual energy from the genitals into the rest of the body in a way that can have a really beneficial effect on intimacy and relational health. The ancient Taoist teachings focus on the distinction and play between Yin and Yang energy. When we translate this into today’s world, this can sometimes bring up concerns of gender stereotyping. So, in the book, I make the distinction between male and female biological gender, and masculine and feminine energies, of which everyone has their own balance. Let me know your thoughts on this.
I use the words “male” and “female” in the book to denote purely biological differences. Approximately 1,999 human beings out of 2000 are born with unambiguous male or female biological gender.
Developmental biology will tell us that right after conception, when the egg has been fertilized, there is no perceivable gender during the first few weeks of gestation. Something develops in the first 6 to 8 weeks into a penis in a male and into a clitoris and vagina in a female. The component parts are similar, but during development in the womb the genitals protrude outward as a penis in a male, and they withdraw and make a vagina in a female.
The male biological gender is often (but not always) characterized by the XY chromosome, having a penis and testicles, and being responsive to androgens, specifically testosterone. After puberty, there is a flat chest without mammary glands, facial hair, a more developed larynx, and hence a deeper voice. These gonochoric distinctions apply to virtually all mammals. When there are unambiguous signs of male biology, we use the word “man.” This word generally denotes a binary distinction and is not something measured by degree.
A female has two X chromosomes, a vagina, ovaries, and is capable of producing gametes and giving birth to other human beings. After puberty, mammary glands and breasts develop, nipples protrude, which allows for giving breast milk to an infant. There is no facial hair, and no testicles. With unambiguous signs of female biology, we use the words “woman,” or “female.”
These are purely biological distinctions which apply to most, but not all humans.
Making these distinctions can be triggering for some people, for good reason, because it can smack of the gender stereotyping prevalent in the 1950s, out of which we have worked so hard to climb. If you’re born with female genitalia, but told that you must wear pink, only display feminine qualities, and never show any signs of qualities defined as ‘masculine,’ it can be very disturbing, and shut down the development of important parts of the psyche. Later, it can cause an attitude of rebellion against this kind of unnecessary rigid gender stereotyping.
Everything we’ve said so far is about biology. In the book, I also use the words “masculine” and “feminine.” These are energetic distinctions, rather than biological. In India, these have been denoted by as Shiva and Shakti, in Taoism as yin and yang, in Kabbalah as Tiferet and Shekhinah, in Western alchemy as Sol and Luna, in Egyptian tradition as Osiris and Isis, in Sufism as Jalal and Jamal, and in Jungian psychology as animus and anima.
It’s really up to each of us to decide what these words mean. I’ve conducted hundreds of workshops over the last forty years, where each and every time I’ve written “masculine” and “feminine” on the whiteboard, and asked people to tell me what these words mean to them, I get fairly uniform answers. I’ve done this in Munich and Paris, in Bali, in Mexico, in South America, in Canada and England, and all over the United States. So hopefully the similarity of the answers I received transcends cultural bias.
The overwhelming majority of people associated these qualities with “masculine energy.”
directional,
focused
protective,
present,
goal-oriented.
These answers came from both men and women, more or less equally. I also asked the same groups what they understand by the words “feminine energy.” Again, with some minor variations, the answers were fairly consistent:
soft,
nurturing,
yielding,
flexible,
connected with emotion.
Quick reminder: the question was not about “men” and “women”, or even “male” and “female,” but about two energetic types, which have been recognized in many cultures.
By now, it is widely understood that requiring anyone to live in accordance with only one of these energies is severely detrimental to well-being. It’s a gross oversimplification to think that feminine energy is only available to people who are biologically female, and that masculine qualities are only displayed by people who are biologically male.
For example, the psychologist Sandra Bem refers to psychological masculinity as the need for assertiveness, independence, and forcefulness, and psychological femininity as the need to express nurturance, affection, and compassion. Her work points out that we often think of these qualities as existing at either end of a single spectrum, but she feels they are much better understood as completely distinct strengths, and that anyone and everyone can develop both. Her research shows that people who score highly on both dimensions – with both highly developed assertive and nurturing energy – tend to be exceptionally well-adjusted individuals. On the other hand, scoring high on one dimension and low on the other can lead to psychological problems. Imbalance toward masculinity can lead to destructive self-absorption and antisocial tendencies, and imbalance toward femininity can lead to destructive self-effacement and other-pleasing tendencies. Both men and women can access masculine and feminine energy, or yin and yang.
Everybody has the creative freedom to make their life into a work of art, and to display any unique balance of masculine and feminine qualities, or indeed, to choose to reject the distinction completely and see it as a ridiculous social construct. This could include someone with female biology (vagina and breasts) who may choose to express their creative life force with predominantly “masculine” qualities, or someone with male biology who chooses to express predominantly feminine energy. That freedom has nothing to do with the choice of preferring homosexual or heterosexual relationships. Everyone can express masculine and feminine energy in any mixture they want. In the last years, some people choose to make their biological sex irrelevant and request others to see them in that way. They may adopt gender neutral pronouns, like “they/them.”
Taoism recognizes that yang (masculine) energy cannot exist without yin (feminine) and vice versa. This is true in the cosmos, in society, within the relationship, and within each and every human being. We all have yin and yang energies as part of our makeup. These two dynamic forces blossom and then change into one another. Taoism understands that everybody has both of these energies, although men generally have more yang energy and women generally have more yin, especially when aroused. This is partly to do with biology and the secretion of different hormones.
We have all learned by now to be careful about strict binary opposition: assuming that men are only masculine, and women are only feminine. But when it comes to sexual practice, particularly in a heterosexual context, there needs to be a sufficient polarization of yin and yang, like two magnetic poles, in order for there to be sexual energy and attraction. Yang is more quickly aroused, and also more quickly extinguished; yin is more slowly aroused and more slowly extinguished. There will still be a play of yin and yang, even when both partners have the same biological gender.
When a man and a woman make love, it’s not just a meeting of biology, but the yang energy in the man can be given as a gift to the woman to bring her into balance, just as the yin energy in the woman can be given to the man. Energetic balance is the basis for ecstatic states and spiritual awakening. Those are the practices we explore in this book. We discover how this process can generate incredible amounts of love and devotion.
