Almost every couple sometimes experiences conflict. The art of conscious relationship is not exactly to never have a fight again, but to know how to navigate that terrain with grace.
There are different lenses through which we can view conflict. Are you feeling irritated and edgy because your partner’s behavior is really objectionable, or is it because you didn’t sleep enough last night, you’ve been living on coffee and snack bars, and you’re behind on deadlines at work? Is it because you were overly neglected and criticized as a child? Is it the time of the month, or the alignment of the planets?
Over all the years I’ve been in relationship, and worked with other couples, I’ve gained one insight which has never failed to be true.
You are never fighting about what do you think you’re fighting about.
I know, words like “always,” and “never” sound a bit fanatic, but in this case I’m going to stand my ground. Let me explain.
You think its about…
Whenever there’s any form of conflict, what you are talking about is generally going to be one of a few things:
• You each want have a different desired outcome for something in the future. This could be as simple as Chinese or Indian food tonight, or as charged as should we have another child, or should we continue to be monogamous or have an open relationship? Either way, you may each have a different idea of what you want, and it’s not lining up.
• You each have a different ideological perspective or belief about something, and you get attached to the need to be right. Again, it could be as hypothetical as “do angels really exist in action actual bodies, or is it just a figurative way of talking about energy?” And it could also get as charged as “I can’t believe you voted for that guy. He’s a complete criminal. I feel totally ashamed to know that you made that choice.”
• You have differing memories or narratives of something that happened in the past. “I absolutely never said that. I can’t believe that you’re putting words in my mouth in this way.”
There may be more topics that you could focussing on during a conflict, but that covers a lot of it.
John Gottman has said that reporters often ask him, “What do couples fight about most?” He reports that his answer is always the same: “Absolutely nothing. They fight about nothing.”
Nervous System Dysregulation
In the last decade of research in neuroscience and psychology, we’ve learned a lot about what underlies conflict… in the body. We are discovering that the root of conflict, stress, and our ability to connect actually lies less in what the mind is preoccupied with, than in the nervous system, which can at any time be in state of regulation or dysregulation. We’ll learn more here about what that means.
When conflict causes breakdown in relationship, it always involves a mixture of these two things: a disagreement about a particular topic or decision, combined with some degree of dysregulation in the nervous system – and hence triggering – in one or both partners. When we get involved in a fight, we always think that the fight is about what we’re talking about, but the energy of conflict originates in the dysregulation of the of the nervous system. Without that, it would simply be a heated friendly discussion.
Three Outcomes
Once you are in potential conflict, there are three possible directions for how things could go.
A] everybody remains in a calm, humorous, relaxed disposition. This is almost certainly because of the meeting of two well-regulated nervous systems. If that’s the case, you’ve got a discussion marked by respectful curiosity, humor, and everybody easily willing to let go of thinking they have the final word on anything.
B] One person is in a dysregulated state, they feel triggered, but the other person continues to remain regulated. In this situation, we could say that one person has become “upset.”
C] Both partners move into a dysregulated state of upset, which we could now call a real conflict, or a fight. Once both partners are in a dysregulated state, they will quickly find some topic or decision on which they disagree to justify the feeling of irritation.
The great majority of research and advice about conflict, including from titans like John Gottman, Sue Johnson, Terry Real and others, is that we resolve conflict through learning to communicate in a better way, including soft startup, empathetic listening, making I statements, etc. But all of that proves to be difficult and sometimes impossible when either or both of you have your nervous system out of whack.
UNDERSTANDING THE NERVOUS SYSTEM
We’ve come to understand a whole lot more about the way the nervous system works thanks to the incredible work of Dr Steven Porges, a psychologist and behavioral neuroscientist who first introduced the Polyvagal Theory in 1994 as a synthesis of our understanding of the autonomic nervous system and social behavior. His work emphasizes the importance of our physiological state underlying everything we say and do. It’s beyond the scope of this book to map out Polyvagal Theory in detail, and I encourage you to go check out their website at polyvagalinstitute.com. I’ve done some training with them, and found it invaluable. If you would like a simple readable user-friendly guide to Polyvagal theory, with some great tools and great illustrations, the best book I have found is Amanda Armstrong’s Healing through the Vagus Nerve. I’ll share with you just enough to make the practices that follow make sense and seem relevant.
The Nervous System
The central nervous system is made up of the brain, brain stem, spinal cord, and the nerves that branch off into all parts of the body. The somatic nervous system allows us to perform intentional movements: like picking up a cup of tea. The autonomic nervous system handles involuntary body functions, like heartbeat, blood pressure, breathing, digestion, reproduction, and gland regulation. The autonomic nervous system in turn has two systems which balance each other: sympathetic and parasympathetic.
The sympathetic nervous system is associated with any kind of arousal, to prepare us to take action. It sometimes associated with the “fight or flight response,” but it’s equally involved in excitement, focus, and pushing yourself to accomplish something important. Once the sympathetic system is activated, the physiology immediately goes through changes. The heart rate speeds up, pupils enlarge, and muscles tense. You are preparing to either flight of flee from a threat, or to meet a stimulating challenge. Your body also turns down or shuts off functions that are not needed for this challenge: like digestion, healing,, reproduction, and cognitive function.
The parasympathetic nervous system performs almost exactly the opposite function: it allows us to “rest and digest.” When it’s active, your body is able to attend to digestion, healing and organ regeneration, to think clearly, and to experience relaxation and pleasure. We are able to interact with each other in a calm, collaborative way.
